Dan Carcillo isn't looking for forgiveness.
The former National Hockey League tough guy, self-described bully, addict, bad teammate and "bad person" is now a mental health advocate and just hoping others can learn from his mental health journey.
Carcillo was in Guelph Thursday sharing his story with an audience that included several University of Guelph athletes in the Mitchell Gymnasium.
That journey included almost taking his own life last year.
"What almost killed me, why I almost took my own life, was the mental health issues that came from my head injuries," said the 35-year-old King City native, who had seven documented concussions over his NHL career and likely several other undiagnosed ones.
Carcillo is now an outspoken and occasionally controversial mental health advocate, and advocacy that includes being extremely critical of the National Hockey League's stance and treatment protocols for concussions and its endorsement of violence (he refers to fighting in hockey as "bare knuckles boxing.")
Labelled by some as a hypocrite for his fance on fighting, given it's how he made a pretty good living for many years, he makes no excuses. But admits he has changed. Now he wants to help, not hurt.
"I'm in this to help as many people as I can. If I can't do that, I'm failing," Carcillo says. "If we help one person in this room, then we've done our job."
After an Ontario Hockey League career that included a 30-goal season in Sarnia, Carcillo played nine seasons in the NHL with six different teams, scoring 55 goals and racking up 1,330 penalty minutes as one of the most hated opponents in the league. He also has three Stanley Cup rings.
But there was also a long list of mental health and behavioural issues: a drunk driving charge that led to a 90-day jail term, entering the NHL's substance abuse program, countless injuries, most notably seven documented concussions.
"I wasn't a good teammate, I wasn't a good person, I wasn't a good brother," Carcillo says, adding he was "over-prescribed and under-educated" when it came to medication for his injuries, which led to a seven-month addiction to painkillers.
In 2015 while playing for the Chicago Blackhawks, he hit a new low.
Dealing with his own depression, injuries and concussion fallout, his good friend and former teammate Steve Montador died. Montador had 19 concussions as a player, Carcillo said. Something many believe contributed to his death.
Carcillo said he knew his playing days were done. He asked his coach not to play him, but in a meaningless game near the end of the season he was put in the lineup.
"I got in a fight for no particular reason. I just wanted to get hit. I just wanted to feel something else," said Carcillo.
The result was his seventh concussion.
He quit hockey, but brain injuries led to more mental health issues.
Only recently has he begun to really heal and he has done so through a number of 'mindfulness" techniques, such as yoga and meditation, and plant-based medicine, including cannabis. He says the benefits have been profound.
"Eight months ago I was sleeping in until 2 p.m.," he says.
"I'll continue to get better ... recovery is not just a straight line. It deviates .... Every hour I check in with myself, sometimes every half hour, just to see how I'm feeling."
He now spreads his word of encouragement and education through the Uncharted A Mental Health Awareness Speaking Tour, advocates for plant-based medicines including cannabis and has created the Chapter 5 foundation, which helps athletes transition into the regular world once their playing days are over.
He also has a better relationship with his family, his wife and children.
Those children, he says, will never play hockey if he has anything to say about it.
"No, my kids aren't playing hockey, not until a few things change," Carcillo says in response to a question from the audience.
"It pains me to say that. I love the game of hockey. The institutions that are running it are who I have a problem with."
Those include the NHL's concussion protocols and medical assistance programs.
"I'm not out to change the game. I just think players should have informed consent.
"My job is to get the brain science out there," Carcillo said.
