Relationship expert Dr. Karen Gordon told a
Gordon said studies have shown that only 7 per cent of how we communicate are the actual words coming out of our mouths, the other 93 per cent is tone, body language and expression.
"The word 'respect is so powerful," Gordon said. "Respect is so incredibly powerful."
So is setting the right example through our own actions, she said.
"We need to live it, not preach it," she said.
Gordon was the keynote speaker at the Guelph Parenting Young Adults and Teens Conference held at Bishop Macdonell high school.
Just over 100 people attended the event, which was put on by the
The Toronto-based Gordon is relationship expert, media personality, best-selling author, corporate coach and management consultant among her many roles.
She is CEO of dk Leadership and is a sought after corporate and public speaker.
The subject of her talk was Helping Our Youth to Build Confidence.
Gordon walked the crowd through A.C.T. - the three key elements of positive communication, which is essential in helping build self-esteem and confidence.
"A" is for affirmation: looking out for when your children are making wise choices and making sure you reinforce those positive choices.
"Be careful how you affirm," Gordon said, adding that it is important to affirm the character trait, not necessarily the result of the action.
"Look for when they do something right. When they get that authentic affirmation, that's what they've been waiting for," she said.
"C" is for communicate respectfully: "If you avoid, teenagers will walk all over us," Gordon said to laughs. And attacking is counter-productive.
The positive body language, tone and expression are all part of that respect.
Speaking positively before and after addressing the areas you want to see improvement (the "hamburger" method) are important.
She recommended giving your kids a parent report card, so you can see what areas your child views as things they would like to see changed or done differently.
"T" is for teach responsibility: "Parents are doing too much. They're micro-managing," Gordon said.
"The more the parent over-functions, the more the child under-functions. Kids need responsibility to build self-esteem. It's the same in the work place."
Gordon suggested making a list of all the things you are doing as a parent that should be the child's responsibility and slowly assign those responsibilities over to the child.
"Above all," she said, repeating what she says is her main message, "be fair, be firm and be super loving."
Saturday's conference also included panel discussions, several other speakers and group workshop sessions.
